Jewlarious Jokes 9/30/2022

During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands and knees, forehead to the floor, he said, “Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”

The cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, “Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”

Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to the floor and he too said “Oh G-d, before thee I am nothing.”

With this, the cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”


A young scholar from New York was invited to become a rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the 10 Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year old Mr Katz in the nursing home. “Mr Katz, I’m asking you as the oldest member of the community, what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the 10 Commandments?”

“Why do you ask?” asked Mr Katz. “Yesterday we read the 10 Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… ”

“That,” said the old man, “is our custom.”


Avram went into church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: “Will all non-Christians please leave.” Avram continued davening.

Again the clergyman said, “Will all non-Christians please leave.”

And again, Avram prayed.

Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. “Will ALL JEWS please leave.”

At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, “Come bubbela, they don’t want us here anymore.”