A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite “Sh’ma Yisrael” in anticipation of his final moments.
When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed—also praying.
The man thinks to himself, “how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We’re mishpocheh! I’m saved!”
He then listens more carefully to the bear’s prayer: “…hamotzi lechem min haaretz.”
Adam was walking through the Garden Eden feeling very lonely, so G-d asked him, “What’s wrong, Adam?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
G-d thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called “wonderful.”
“Wonderful will gather food for you, cook for you, agree with your every decision, bear your children, never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them, never nag you, be the first to admit wrong when you’ve had a disagreement and wonderful never gives you a headache.”
Adam inquired, “What will wonderful cost?”
G-d replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office immediately after lunch.”