Distressed over the commission of a sin, Moshe goes to see his rabbi, “Rabbi, last week I didn’t wash my hands before I ate, and I am very upset about it.”
“Well, that’s not the most severe sin in the world, but why did you not say the blessing?” asks the rabbi.
“Well the food itself wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non kosher food? This is much more serious. Why would you do such a thing?”
“Well Rabbi, they didn’t have any kosher food in a non kosher restaurant.”
“You couldn’t find a kosher restaurant to go to?” asks the rabbi incredulously.
“What on Yom Kippur?’
***
After Dena announced her engagement to David, Dena’s mother just couldn’t contain her excitement. “You know, you should have a rehearsal dinner someplace nice,” said Dena’s mother.
Dena’s father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”
“And you have to have a brunch for the people who are coming from out of town.”
“Two thousand.”
“We’ll need a photographer and videographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”
“Five thousand!”
“And what about the music? I’d actually like to see an orchestra rather than just a band. It’s so much classier.”
“Ten thousand!”
David jumped out of his seat and yelled, “Sold!”
Dena’s father breathed a sigh of relief, shook David’s hand and wrote up a check. Just then, Dena’s mother approached her and said, “So how do you envision this eloping ceremony? I’ve got some great ideas…”
Rachel goes to The Abrahamavitz Farm and asks David, the manager, if they have any vacancies. David tells her that the only job available is for a part-time lemon picker. Rachel says she’ll take the job.
After David asks her some questions about her education and previous jobs, he tells her, “You’re really far too qualified for such a lowly position.”
“But I would still like the job,” says Rachel. “I would be very good at it.”
“Do you have any experience in picking lemons?” David asks her.
“You bet,” replies Rachel. “I’ve been divorced three times.”