A Jewish mother’s answering machine:
For Kugel, press 1
For knishes, press 2
For chicken soup, press 3
For matzoh balls in the soup, press 4
…If you’re calling to ask how I am feeling, you have the wrong number, because no one ever asks how I am feeling. No really, I am fine.
***
Did you hear about the successful businessman whose daughter got married to a frum young man?
The businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a moneymaking organisation, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
***
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn’t play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, “Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!”
G-d replied, “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: “G-d, this is how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”
“Sure,” said G-d, “but who’s he going to tell?”