Jewlarious Jokes:
To begin Shabbat with a laugh
The Edelstein family from New York was getting a guided tour through one of the ancient crusader forces in the land of Israel.
“This place,” their tour guide told them, “is almost one thousand years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years.”
“Wow,” said Zadie Edelstein, “they must have the same landlord I do.”
***
A woman called the switchboard of a hospital and asked how Mrs. Levinson in room 102 was doing.
The switchboard operator put her on hold for a minute, then came back and reported: “Mrs. Levinson in room 102 is doing very well! Why just this morning her lab work came back and everything is normal.
Her doctor is pleased and says she will be able to go home next week.”
“Hurray!” shouted the caller.
“You must be a relative to be so happy,” observed the switchboard operator.
“No,” explained the caller, “I’m Mrs. Levinson in room 102. Nobody tells me anything!”
***
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 Years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’