Jewlarious Jokes 5/21/22

Jewlarious Jokes:

To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Jewlarious Jokes:
Irving, who is a very wealthy businessman, decides to buy an expensive gift for his mother who lives alone in Florida. So he spends $15,000 on a rare exotic parrot that speaks three languages and has it sent to her. A few days later he calls her and asks excitedly, “Mama, how did you like the bird I sent you?” and she gushes “Oy, thank you so much — it was delicious!”
He yells “YOU COOKED AND ATE THE BIRD?? Mama, how could you?!? It was a very rare bird, it cost $15,000, and it spoke three languages!”
“So, nu?” his mother replies… “Then why didn’t it say something?”
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in NY and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother & I are divorcing. 50 years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago & tell her, “and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately & screams at him, “You’re NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling back my brother & we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone & turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says. “They’re coming for Shabbos and paying their own airfares!”
A psychiatrist opens up a practice in Manhattan.
In order to attract patients, he puts up ads all over and outside the building. The signs read: “Special Offer First Consultation: $1.000.00
Second Appointment: Free of Charge”
He opens for business at 9:00 a.m. on Monday morning. At 9:01 a.m. a Jewish guy walks through the door and says: “Hello again!”