Jewlarious Jokes 4/29/22

Jewlarious Jokes:

To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Jewlarious Jokes:
One day, Jacob asks his wife Yetta, “You always carry a photo of me in your handbag. What on earth would you want with my photo?”
“Well,” replies Yetta, “whenever I encounter a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem at first, I look at your picture and the problem doesn’t seem a problem any longer – it just melts away.”
Jacob smiles with pride when he hears this. “It doesn’t really surprise me, Yetta,” he says. “Haven’t I always told you how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
“Yes, I know you have,” replies Yetta, “but the way it works is like this – when I take your photo out of my handbag and look at your face, I say to myself, “What problem can there be that’s greater than this one?”
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn’t stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. “Stan, do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Rabbi.”
The Rabbi said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Rabbi,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Rabbi.
Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel Rabbinowitz and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “No, I don’t Rabbi.”
The Rabbi was in disbelief, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
Dr. Levy was an old man who became bored with retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up on his door that said: “Dr. Levy’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500; if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor Young, fresh out of Med School, was positive that this old doctor didn’t know beans about up-to-date medicine, so thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to the Dr.’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. I have lost all taste in my mouth. can you please help me ?”
Dr. L: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is gasoline!”
Dr. L: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young is annoyed; goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. L: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t! — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. L: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, having lost $1000, leaves angrily and comes back again after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak – I can hardly see!”
Dr. L: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only a $10 bill.!”
Dr. L: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”