Jewlarious Jokes:
To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Jewlarious Jokes:
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, and a Jew
were in a discussion during dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich Prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak… The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them, and casually says:
“I’m not selling”
***
A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
“So, you talk?” he asks.
“Yap,” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?” asks the man.
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired. And pretty much, that’s it.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.” The guy says.
“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never worked for Mossad!”
***
The town miser had just built a beautiful house on top of the highest hill in town. Down at the bottom of the hill lived a poor artist who barely eked out a living save but for some local people who needed some of their houses painted.
The miser wanted to impress his other wealthy friends so he decided to have a wall in the foyer painted with a mural. Hearing of the poor painter, he figured he could get him to paint the mural for a cheap price. After considerable haggling, they settled on a price that was one-tenth of what it was worth. The painter went to work and in a day and a half, he was finished.
The miser invited his friends over for the unveiling of the painting. With a great flourish, the curtain was dropped and the crowd stared at a red canvas.
“I ordered a painting of the Red Sea,” bellowed the miser.
“This is the Red Sea,” replied the painter.
“Where are the Israelites,” the miser asked.
“They’ve already crossed,” said the painter.
“Where are the Egyptians,” persisted the mansion’s owner.
“They all drowned.”