Jewlarious Jokes:
To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Jewlarious Jokes:
Chris is a Harvard Graduate taking a flight from NY to Miami. His seatmate turns out to be an Orthodox Jew named Moshe. Chris doesn’t particularly like Jews, so he hatches a scheme to cheat him out of some money.
He offers to play a game with Moshe, the rules are simple: They take turns asking each other questions, and if you stump the other person, you pay them $5. Moshe isn’t interested and politely declines, “besides,” says Moshe, Jews are very smart, and I would definitely win”.
This angers Chris – “I will have you know, ” he tells Moshe, ” that I am a Harvard Graduate! Just for that, I am going to make this game more interesting. I am so confident you won’t stump me that for every question I get wrong, I will pay you $500. For every one that you get wrong, you only need to pay me $5!”
Moshe agrees, and Chris gets to go first. Chris asks him “What is the correct temperature to cook Bacon?”. Moshe obviously has no clue, concedes, and hands Chris $5. Now it’s Moshe’s turn.
He asks Chris -” What goes up with 2 legs, but comes down with 3?”
Chris thinks about it, he also knows if he answers incorrectly, he’ll need to pay $500 and doesn’t want to do that. He spends the rest of the flight thinking about it. As the plane lands, he finally concedes and pays Moshe the $500. Of course, since Moshe stumped him, he needs to know the answer. So he asks Moshe for the answer.
Moshe reaches into his wallet, hands Chris a crisp $5, and says “I wish I knew, but it was nice playing with you.”
***
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jewish man had been shipwrecked on a desert island. After three weeks, nobody had come for them and the Englishman and Irishman were becoming desperately worried, but the Jewish man was unconcerned. They said to him, “How can you not be worried?”. The Jewish man said “Listen, I’m a wealthy man. Two years ago I donated ten thousand pounds to my local synagogue. Last year I donated a hundred thousand pounds. So this year, ….they’re going to be searching for me.”
***
Steve Goldstein decided to take his Zadie, Hymie, to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked his Zadie how he liked the experience.
“Oh, I liked it,” Zadie replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, Steve asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flip a coin. One team gets it, and then for the rest of the game, all they keep screaming is, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ It’s only 25 cents!”