Jewlarious Jokes:
To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Jewlarious Jokes:
Late one night after Shabbat services, Murray decided to take a shortcut home through the cemetery. Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Murray is scared out of his wits!
Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.
“Thank goodness”, Murray says to the man. “You gave me the fright of my life! Why are you working so late?”
“They spelled my name wrong!”
***
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
***
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading
an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car,
noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the
newspaper reader.
“Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find?
Jews being persecuted;
Israel being attacked;
Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage;
Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now, what do I find?
Jews own all the banks;
Jews control the media;
Jews are all rich and powerful;
Jews rule the world.
The news is so much better!”