Jewlarious Jokes 2/4/22

Jewlarious Jokes:

To begin Shabbat with a laugh
Chaim and Shiela, A husband and wife were at a large shopping mall most of the day when the wife realized that she’d lost track of her husband… After searching all over, she finally called his cell and said, “Chaim, I’ve looked everywhere!… Where are you?!”…
To which he replied, “Honey, do you remember that jewelry store where you saw the matching diamond earrings and became all emotional about them, but I couldn’t afford them then, so I promised I’d get them for you someday?”…
The wife, feeling incredibly joyful admiration for her thoughtful husband, said, “Oh, I do remember that, dear.”
“Well, I’m in the sports bar right across from that shop!”
Goldberg walks into a bank in midtown Manhattan and asks if he can take out a loan of $1000 for one month. Since Goldberg is not a customer of this bank, the banker is a little skeptical. “Listen, Mr. Goldberg, I can lend you the money but I’d have to charge you 10% interest, and I will need something as collateral”.
Goldberg agrees to the terms, and tosses him the keys to a Mercedes. “Will my car be good enough as Collateral?” 
The banker agrees, and cuts Goldberg a check. 
3 weeks later, Goldberg walks back into the bank with a check for the $1100 to pay back the loan and the interest. As the banker hands him back the keys to his car, he says to him “You know Mr. Goldberg, I did some research on you and much to my surprise you are worth several million dollars. Why would you come here and take out such a small loan when you have so much in the bank?”
“Well,” says Goldberg, ” where else can I get free parking in Manhattan for 3 weeks for only $100?”
A lawyer runs a stop sign in Givatayim and gets pulled over by a traffic police. He thinks that he is smarter than the traffic police because he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the police’s expense.
The police says, “License and registration, please.” 
“What for?” the lawyer asks. 
The police says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” 
The lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.” 
The police says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” 
“What’s the difference?” the lawyer asks. 
The police says, “The difference is that you have to come to a complete stop. That’s the law.” 
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slowing down and stopping, then I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, then you let me go with no ticket.” 
The traffic police is fine with this. “Exit your vehicle,” he says. At this point, the traffic police takes off his gloves and starts slapping the lawyer. “So,” he says, “do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”