Jewlarious Jokes:
To begin Shabbat with a laugh
After years of crashing on other people’s couches Morris gets his own flat. After a week he invites his friends for a little housewarming party with a few liquid refreshments. Later that night, all are already pretty drunk, when the host decides to give the rest a tour of the house.
There’s not too much furniture, just a load of empty bottles. Then they reach the bedroom, which contains besides an old mattress and also a beautiful Indonesian gong. Quite in contrast with the rest of the interior.
Surprised one of his friends asks: “What is that?”
“Well, it came with the house”, the guy says. “But I figured out that this is a talking clock.”
His mate looks surprised and asks how this ‘clock’ works. The guy then picks up a hammer and gives the gong an ear-shattering pound. “BOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG.”
His friends look at each other, agreeing in silence that Morris
has officially lost his mind.
But then they hear an angry voice on the other side of the wall scream:
“What on earth are you doing?! It’s 3 am in the morning, for goodness sake!”
***
A Jew is traveling on the train when someone comes up to him and asks, “Why are you Jews so smart?”
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “it’s because of all the herring we eat.”
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The man approaches him and asks asks “how much herring do you have?” and the Jew answers “a dozen pieces”.
“And how much do you want for a piece?”
“20 kopecks”.
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.
“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks”.
To this, the Jew responds “see… you’re getting smarter already.”
***
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
“Give me the box of matches,” says one. “Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.”
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms…”No, no, don’t!”
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match….
And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: “No, no, don’t do that!”
“It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But – we’re here for Science, to know if a man can breathe on Mars”.
He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and….. nothing happens.
“Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?”
The leader of the Martians says, “Today is Shabbat, you can’t strike a match!”