Jewlarious Jokes 12/24/21

Jewlarious Jokes:

To begin Shabbat with a laugh
A large lumber company was looking for a lumberjack, so they placed an ad in Lumberjack Weekly and received three candidates. Each was asked to submit to an interview in turn.
Lumberjack number one came into the manager’s office and said in a heavy French accent, “I am Jacque the Lumberjack. I have cut trees in Maine and Vermont. ” The manager said thank you and asked him to wait outside.
Lumberjack number two came in and said, in a rough Western accent, “I am Tex, the lumberjack from Texas. I have cut trees throughout the northwest and Alaska.” The manager said thank you and asked him to wait outside.
Lumberjack number three came in and said, in a heavy Jewish accent, “My name is Hymie, I am the best lumberjack from the Sahara Forest.” “Wait!” said the manager, “There is no Sahara Forest. It is a desert.” Hymie responded “Sure it’s a desert….NOW!” 
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. 
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.  
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.  
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?” 
 “I will study,” the young man replies, “and G-d will provide for us.” 
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. 
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “G-d will provide for us.” 
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support the children?” 
“Don’t worry, sir. G-d will provide,” replies the fiance. 
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide. 
Later that evening the mother asks, “How did it go?” 
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m G-d.”
Reuven is lying on his death bed at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, “Where is my wife, Chana?”
“I am here” whimpers the elderly woman.
“This is good,” says Reuven. “And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?”
“I sit here,” says Abraham.
“You are a good boy, Abraham,” whispers Reuven. “And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?”
“Papa, I love you!” cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.
“And my grandchildren? Danny, Ruthie, Liora, Eli ,Zehavit & Yoni ?”
“We are all here, grandpapa!” the children cry in unison.
“So my family, all my family, is here with me now?” asks Reuven.
“Yes, of course, dear,” soothes Chana.
“Then why is the light on in the kitchen?”