The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn’t play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, “What’s it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I’ll be back in time for services.”
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, “Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!”
G-d replied, “Watch. I’m going to teach him a lesson.”
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: “G-d, this is how you’re going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!”
“Sure,” said G-d, “but who’s he going to tell?”
***
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.
His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”
***
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their ageing mother:
Avraham, the first son, said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
Moishe, the second, said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
David, the youngest, said, “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible—Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.”
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother:
“Avraham,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Moishe,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas—he’s a pain in the tuchas. But David,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”