Jewlarious Jokes 11/11/2022

A Jewish mother’s answering machine:

For Kugel, press 1
For knishes, press 2
For chicken soup, press 3
For matzoh balls in the soup, press 4

…If you’re calling to ask how I am feeling, you have the wrong number, because no one ever asks how I am feeling. No really, I am fine.


Did you hear about the successful businessman whose daughter got married to a frum young man?

The businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter very much, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a moneymaking organisation, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”


Students were asked to write an essay about elephants:

Jack writes about the horrors of the ivory trade.
Jodie writes about the plight of the Indian elephant.
Homer writes about the mating ritual of the elephant.
Moshe writes about the elephant and the Jewish problem.