A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him, “I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That’s it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
The father hangs up and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING ’til David and I get there! We will be there Friday night.” The father says, “All right, all right, I’ll wait.”
When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, “okay, they’re coming for Passover. Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?”
An old Jewish man is knocked over by a car on Golders Green Road. Crowds gather before a paramedic arrives and gently rests the old man’s head on his knee.
“Sir, are you comfortable?” asks the paramedic.
“I make a living,” the old man replies.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends, family and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?”
The minister says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.”
The priest says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of G-d who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
The rabbi replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”