Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
“Hello, is this KGB?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
The next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz’s house.
“Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed.”
One day, a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody. So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork.
Suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant. The couple came over to the rabbi’s table and sat down. The waiter came out of the kitchen holding a big covered plate with the pork on it. The pork had an apple in its mouth. The waiter brought the plate to the table and lifted up the cover. The rabbi said, “What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you.”
What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?
“Who catered it?”