Jewlarious Jokes:
The Don finds out that his accountant, Murray Schwartz, has embezzled him out of $10 million. Murray is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Murray would never hear anything, so he would never be able to testify in court. When the Don goes to confront Murray about his missing money, he brings his lawyer, Joel Horowitz, who knows sign language, along.
The Don tells Horowitz “Ask him where the money is!”
Horowitz, using sign language, asks Schwartz “Where’s the money?”
Schwartz signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
Horowitz turns to the Don and says, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Don pulls out a pistol, puts it to Schwartz’s head, and says to the lawyer, “Tell him if he doesn’t answer, I’ll kill him right here and right now!”
Horowitz signs to Schwartz, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Schwartz, upon seeing that Don means business, begins to tremble and signs, “OK! OK! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bernie’s house.”
The Don asks Horowitz, “What did he say?” The lawyer is about to repeat Schwartz’s answer, but suddenly pauses and instead says, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
***
The Goldbergs were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”
‘We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.‘ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.”‘
***
WHO DOES WHAT ?:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it’s in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me
.
.’ So she fetched her Bible and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…………
.
‘HEBREWS’